Change My Heart Oh God

I wasn't going to write about this because it would go against the title of my blog, but the more I thought about it, in the end it doesn't.
Well today was a crazy day. I spent a good portion of my day at the doctors. About 3yrs ago they told me I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). A few things that are related to this are irregular or the absence of periods, excessive hair growth in unwanted areas, acne, rapid weight gain and in many women insulin resistance. Is often caught in women who are TTC (trying to conceive), premenopausal women, and obese women.
I am now going to rewind to 3yrs ago when it all started. I think I had mentioned to my mom that I hadn't had a period in about 6months. She insisted that I go in and see the doctor, I was hesitant because I had always had irregular periods so going for 6months at a time wasn't a big issue to me. I would in for allergy meds., which my mom suggested with other alternatives, and as always the nurse would ask about my last period I would try to think about when it was and my mom would chime in and ask about the time between them. Every now and then the dr. would put me on a pill to have them. After two yrs of going through having med induced periods, my mom started to get worried. I thought it was strange but I probably would have never done anything about it. As many of you know I think I am "invincible". Finally mom really had concerns and they did some testing. Since I wasn't really worried I didn't pay much attention to the the results or to anything really for that matter. My general dr. sent me to the gynecologist who diagnosed me with PCOS and then referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist in Wichita.
I never took what they said real seriously, everything I knew about my body was normal, its all I had known. When I went to the specialist he explained what was going on in my body, but it all went over my head. I knew I had always wanted big, puffy hair for some reason!! =) I really tried to understand I just didn't get it. Everything they told me was "...this couldn't happen", "you really don't have to worry about this now", "its really not that big of a deal until you want to have a baby ". Great info to feed me if you want me to be consistent with the treatment plan! ha, yea right. Not having a period was normal to me, the acne and extra hair growth was normal to me, maybe a bit embarrassing but normal. I had dealt with it for the last 10yrs of my life, what was the problem?
For the first year or so I was was pretty consistent with my appointments, but the meds were another story. BCP's were not my cup of tea. I would forget to take them at the special time and then I would spot or even have a full blown period 2 or 3 times during the month. I was never very consistent taking them, but I didn't see any changes either. The dr. was good at trying to work with me on only needing to take the pills 3times a yr, but it just didn't work. Taking them to have a period was just never in my schedule. I know great excuse.
As for the BCP's I never felt comfortable taking them. I was always afraid of what people would think if they saw I was taking them. What is the first thing you think about when you hear birth control pill.....hmmmmm....maybe a pill that helps you not have a baby while you are being sexually active. Exactly what the name of the pill is. What if the youth girls were over and saw them in my bathroom, or I was on a trip with them and they saw them. Everyone know teenage girls or just girls/women in general are noisy. What kind of message would that send to the girls. I am suppose to be a living example to them to save themselves for their husbands. This is one of the main reasons I have chosen not to take them.
I hadn't gone back in a about a year in a half, so I decided it was time to get this under control. Mainly from the loving sutle pushes from my mom. I didn't want to drive all the way to Wichita all the time for appointments, so I decided I would try a dr up here in the Kansas City area, and today was the day of my first appointment. I had never really had a problem going to the dr.. I have always felt fine, remember "I am invincible".
Today was different. I felt so alone in there, all of the women in there had their husbands with them. Then it was just me. I prayed a lot while I was there. I can't remember any time I had gone to the dr.'s office and prayed as much as I did or even if I ever had.
They want to rule out any other issues that may be causing my hormones to be out of wack, so I have lab tests on Thursday morning, and the Tuesday the 8th I have to have a endometrial biopsy done. They will take a scrapping from the wall of my uterus to check for pre cancerous cells. They are pretty sure that I don't have it, but since I have only had 2 period in the last 2yrs he wants to rule it out. Then I will go back in soon after that to have some more blood tests. Then finally at the end of the month I will go back in to discuss all the results of the tests. I feel pretty comfortable with the fact that nothing is going to be wrong, "I am invincible", but going through it all makes me really nervous. I am hoping my mom will be here for the biopsy, its kind of nice to be able to just at least hold someones hand through it all.
I have been so tired lately it is ridiculous, then with my allergies and all this it is taking a toll on me emotionally. I have been crying all the time. Maybe it is good that I am going through this, it will bring me to my knees. All this can make it extremely hard and sometimes impossible to have a child, and although I can't have one right now, I do eventually want to get married and have children. I pray everyday that the Lord will change my heart if he would have something else for me. I want what He wants, but getting to that place is so hard. Getting rid of my flesh is like trying to peel the potato skins off without a peeler. I pray that God would just take a hold of that peeler and just start peeling away. I pray that I would just stand back and watch all that dirt be taken away so I will never what it in my life again. That I can truly repent of my sins.
Change my heart Oh God, make it ever new. Change my heart Oh God, may I be like you.
God is good to me, he will take care of me. I just pray that I will allow him to. Show me Lord what it is that you would have me learn though this.