ONE DAY I...

...want to be the woman God created me to be.
...want to have the compassion for others that I could never imagine.
...want to go without worrying about the mistakes I don't want to make.
...want to be with someone loves me for me.
...want to be a bride.
...want a special day.
...want to go to Greece.
...want to go to Italy.
...want to know who I am.
...want to go out and tell others about the God I love, without the fear of rejection.
...want to go on a cruise.
...want to know who I am in Christ.
...want to be a mom.
...want to have tons of kids!!!
...want to feel loved, not just know it.
...want to visit Isreal.
...want to know the plans the Lords has for me, to grow and prosper me.
...want to be able to articulate to myself and others how amazing the God I know and serve is
...want to exercise the way I know I should.
...want motivation.
...want to ride a horse.
...want to live in the mountains.
...want my dog to live forever.
...want to have grace.
...want to have a heavenly focus.
...hope to believe, not know, that God is the only thing I need.
...hope to be doing what God has called me to do.
...hope to find myself.
...hope to be able to truely give every aspect of my life over to the Lord.
...hope to surrender.
...hope to love the way God would love.
...want and hope to be obedient
...want and hope to be patient while waiting on the Lord.

So I am a bit frustrated. I don't think I should be, but for some reason I am letting it get to me. No names will be shared to protect the innocent, but I thought for the sake of telling a story I am going to give them the name of Von. I looked down trying to think of a name and the first thing I saw was my Von Maur bag and so that is where the name came from. I thought it might help me to vent my one last time I would just write it out for all to see! Great I know.

So I have a friend (or I thought to be), we are friends in real life and on facebook. Earlier in the summer I posted a little hello on Von's wall just a friendly greeting and invite to share how there summer was going. I never got a response, which was fine because I am sure that I have missed a few replies on fb before. So I am just doing my facebook thing and notice that they have new pictures to I click over to their profile and as I am reading their wall (no judgment can be passed because I know you all do that) I didn't see my post. So I thought that was kind of strange but I didn't think about it again. Then the other day I went and said hey again. Didn't hear back but again some people don't respond. Then I went on Von's wall to ask if they wanted to go for a bicycle ride on Sunday. Sunday (today) is a beautiful day and I wanted to enjoy a ride outside. As many of you know I hate to do things alone and I knew someone who enjoys riding bicycles and thought great this would be a great time because the weather is perfect. But I say that my post from the other day had been deleted. Deleted once, strange but ok, twice this person must really have issues on who writes on their walls. So I thought I will just send them a message so they don't have to worry about deleting anything on their wall. I went to click on the send a message and nothing happened..again, nothing.....surely, no....it must be my computer. So I went to someone else's profile and tried sending them a message, guess what it worked. It was true, they have blocked me. Really me, what did I do. I don't remember a time that someone didn't like me that much.


The Conversation
I had their email, so I sent and email and didn't get a response. I had kind of expected not to get a response but I was really hoping to be wrong. So I saw them to day and asked if they had gotten my message.
Von said "Oh...oops."
Me with a smile and a laugh "Thanks for the response really appreciate it!!!"
Then I walked away. It was still bugging me. I didn't understand why he didn't respond. Why he hadn't told me he didn't want to go. So later...
I said "You could have told me if you didn't want to go, it wouldn't have bothered me. Oh and I tried to write a post on your wall and I noticed you deleted my last post..."
....Oh, sorry....
...then I tried sending you a message and it wouldn't let me, so that is when I decided to email you, and you still didn't respond...
...Oh, sorry.
...no your really not, you had a reason for doing it" Then I turned around and walked away. I wish I was strong enough to stay and listen to what they had to say. I get so nervous that I can't even look them in the eye nor can I stay to see what they would say. I make it easy on them and just walk away.

This is so petty and I real stupid for allowing it to make me this frustrated, I guess I just don't understand why. OK, so who cares if you don't want to go riding, but really you have to ignore me and make it look like I don't talk to you. Its stupid. I will probably be emailing them, or maybe not because I am not sure I should, but it really bugs me. Probably not the best thing to do, but I really want to know what there problem is with me.

Sorry for all the grammatical mistakes.

A Week+ in the Life of Me

I have been going non stop for the past week and a half.

Friday 7/31 I stayed up all night with the youth girls we had a girls night.

Saturday 8/1 I worked till 1am Sunday morning

Sunday 8/2 a few friends and I went and grabbed a sandwich at Planet Sub(YUMMY) and then went and had at picnic out by the lake.

Monday 8/6 They youth had a BBQ at Kurt (youth leaders) house

Tuesday 8/7 I don't remember what I did I may have slept trying to catch up from the sleep I had missed on Friday and Saturday night.

Wednesday I had youth group

Thursday I went to the Wizard of Oz at the theater in the park.

Friday-Sunday was spent in Branson with family and friends for my sisters birthday. She is the big 2-7!!

Monday I thought I wasn't going to do anything and I got a call from a friend to to out and have dinner and an movie. We saw G.I. Joe. I enjoyed it. OH YEAH and I got a call from my sister she had her baby sonogram and she called to tell me what she was having!!! I will save the the anticipation for the end.

Today which is Tuesday has been great. I wanted to go to the gym really bad but I just could bring my self to do it. I know it kind of sounds like an oxymoron, but I relate it to the battle between the flesh and the spirit. I feel so much better when I am there than when I skip out.

Wednesday is another day with the youth.

Thursday my family is coming to town because we have a retreat type thing going on at the church.

Friday I the conference is still going on at the church all day.

Saturday I will be at the church in the morning for the conference and then I will go out and work til 1am in the morning again. (I didn't realize what the weekend held until after I told them I would work, oops)

Then the week of Aug 17th starts and I don't know where the first half of the month went. WOW!!!

I do like to stay busy. For the past 2yrs. I have just been kind of dragging my feet. Not really doing much. Yes, I can keep my days busy running from here to there, but in the end I don't end up really doing anything. I think I am now ready to get this all started again. I am hoping to take a class this semester nothing big, just something to get my mind flowing. Then the plan is by next fall to be enrolled in a Master course. We'll see where the Lord takes me.

As for the Great news my sister shared. I remember telling you all what I thought she was going to have. I told you so that there would be no mistake on my ability to guess what gender the family will be having. Well I am here to make it know that I was RIGHT and I am going to have a little baby nephew. How exciting is that. I can't wait for that little baby boy. It is going to be so much fun to watch him grow up. Though I am sad, because he is the only grandkid on both sides and will be for awhile. It may be a bit lonely for the little guy. I remember what it felt like when I only had my sister. Then when I was older it was much harder to form a bond with my cousins because they were so much younger, but I do hope that he can form a even better bond with his uncle and 2 aunts!!!!

Here are a few pictures from our trip to Branson.

Dad being really goofy in the pool

It is safe the say Tim didn't have a great

time that evening. His face says it all!

There was a little boy who saw me taking pictures

of the Lake he thought the camera on my phone was so cool.

He was so excited when I told him he could take a picture

of Bri and I. The water is really cold by the way.

Definetly one of my favorite rides at Silver Dollar City

STOP arguing

"I appeal to you by the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ to stop arguing among yourselves. Let there be real harmony so there won't be a division..." 1 Corinthians 1:10a

Last night I was really bummed after I talked to my sister on the phone. I called to talk to her because, we NEVER talk and I thought it would be nice to see what was going on. She is having a baby and looking for a house so I wanted to know how everything was going. I also had some really neat information to share with her, and I really wanted to tell her so I called.

After I told her, I felt like everything I was saying was being critiqued. I started getting defensive immediately and within 20sec after I finished my story she had hung up on me. Immediately I got a text and we discussed what was going on. According to her I was getting "attitudy" and way too defensive. I will admit I did get defensive, because I felt like she thought everything I had just told her was stupid, and that she couldn't believe I would think or act that way. She would never do that and wouldn't ever need to, because she is just better than that. Or at least that is the way it came across to me. A simple "Thats neat way of looking at it. I don't know what I would do, but I may not act that way", would have been nice.

I hate arguing with her. I hate it that she make me feel 2ft tall. I hate it that we never see eye to eye. I hate it that we can never talk for very long. I HATE it that we often to believe the same things or same way. I HATE it that I don't have a great relationship with her.

All I want is to be able to talk to her w/o the feeling of "oh my gosh I can't believe you just asked me that, uh nowh Duh". (w/o duh actually being said).

The arguing and bickering can never be good especially in the long run. I decided I will be praying everyday, that she and I can both work on how we talk to one another. Taking into consideration the insecurities of each other. I want to have a healthy relationship with both my sisters, I want it to be fun to go and spend weeks together. Just enjoying the company of one another as sisters are suppose to. I read the following quote one time.

"Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there."

I don't usually feel that way. I have always wanted my sister to be my best friend, but I have never been able to feel that way. I wish it was someone I could go to when ever I had a problem, someone who would be there to just listen.

The verse at the top really popped out at me tonight while I was reading. I have seen first hand within my family what arguing can do and I don't want that between me and my immediate family especially my sisters. So Lord now I ask that you teach me and grow me. Show me who you want me to be as a woman, a daughter, teacher, and as a sister. Grow me into who you want me to be. Chang my heart oh God make it new, I want to be like you.